Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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