Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
