We're like a lot better than the average bears
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
