new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
