Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
