i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
