just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
