Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
