Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
