Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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