nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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