I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
