I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
