There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
