Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
