Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
