Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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