You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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