He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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