I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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