it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.