In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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