textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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