you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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