U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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