I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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