never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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