Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
