nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
