for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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