On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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