I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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