I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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