I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
