then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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