Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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