I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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