Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
