So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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