'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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