Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
