i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
