Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
