he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
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Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
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Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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