Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
