Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What a dumb baby whore.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
