so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
