i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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