my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
