Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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