You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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