My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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