Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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