the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
