we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we're making bets on your personal life
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
