one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We're too hungover to prance.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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