a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
